I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
