i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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