How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
