I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
