I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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