You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So much rum. So many feels.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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