I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
