so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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