I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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