No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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