I murdered the dance floor call the cops
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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