tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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