The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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