upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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