you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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