I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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