is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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