why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
