I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
