I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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