ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
