How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I will pee on everything he values.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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