brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
