What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
