I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
