Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
