No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
