fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
