I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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