He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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