I feel great
I just peed on a car
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
