If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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