Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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