did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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