You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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