I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
