Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
