dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
