the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
