if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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