Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
