Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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