you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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