Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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