Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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