she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
