no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
