Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
