I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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