She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
