I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
