I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
