I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
