Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
