he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
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Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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