mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
