I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Vodka?
Forever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
